When Toots O'Toole met Mooseville News Network's Cindy Scoops in March, he was living a not-so-quiet life warning trespassers about high mold counts at the end of the rainbow. Now, O'Toole has cashed in his pot of gold and relocated to Mooseville where he says he's opening a bar.

"What kind of town has no place for a hard workin' individual like yourself to go for a pint?" O'Toole said. "Not a town worth living in, that's for sure."

Though it's legal to sell, buy, and consume alcohol in Mooseville and surrounding counties, the Mayor says no body's taken the time to invest in spirits until now.

"I'm so happy Mr. O'Toole has made Mooseville his home and pleased as punch that he's going to provide a service that many in our community are in need of," The Mayor said.

Not all are happy about having a pub in town. Nevi Parent says she doesn't want her teenage daughter exposed to alcohol.

"If it's not in Mooseville then our children won't be able to get their hands on it," Parent says. "Besides, a bar will do nothing but stir up trouble on our streets and in our schools."

When questioned about the threat of alcohol-related accidents and crimes increasing, Woody Shackles, Mooseville Chief of Police said he wasn't that concerned.

"People been drinking in this town long before there was a place to do it at," Shackles said. "In the park, on their porches, even sometimes on Moose Street. I usually turn a blind eye because most everybody around here can handle their drink responsibly."

Shackles went on to say the police won't tolerate drinking and driving of any sort.

"In addition to cars, motorcycles, ATVs, boats, golf carts, and Dune Buggies we will have a no-tolerance policy for bicycles, skateboards, roller blades, unicycles, and Heelys," Shackles said. "Basically anything with wheels, stay off it if you've been drinking."

Most residents are excited about the new addition to Mooseville. Some even say it couldn't have come at a better time.

"Another month or so and I was moving," said Mooseville resident, Billy Smickles. "I mean, it'll probably be so thick with college students you won't be able to stir 'em with a stick, but it's something."

Being located just across the railroad tracks at the end of University Drive, Toots O'Toole's pub will be a convenient hangout for Mooseville University students. It's the main reason O'Toole says he chose the location.

"Moose Street's a bit crowded for the likes of me," O'Toole said. "Besides, the lads and lasses over at that college are sure to be thirsty after a day of studying, don't you think?"

Toots O'Toole's will open for business on Monday.

"Come join me for a brew Monday," O'Toole said. "I promise your first one will be on me house."

MOOSEVILLE, USA - Vacant since May, the Mayor has finally taken down the "for rent" sign posted in front of the Mayor’s Mansion. The new tenants taking up shop, CineMoose Theater and a restaurant called Deer Liza’s, are set to move in by Jan. 31, 2014.  

Demand-It, Inc. announced today the launch of Untraceables, a new line of custom-made ransom notes.

"Whatever the occasion we'll demand it in style," says CEO and founder Clive Sketcher. "We've looked around and there's not another supplier out there that makes the kind of quality and creative ransom notes that we make."

The company says they hope Untraceables will be the product that paves the way into the mainstream.

"Untraceables are for all minds, not just the criminal," Sketcher said. "We're hoping people start sending ransom notes for birthdays or other celebrations."

Untraceables will be available this Friday, and the company guarantees their product will produce results...or else.

Technology has changed family dynamics around the world, and despite the criticism, not everyone thinks the change is bad.

"Before I couldn't stand spending time with my sons," said Joe Father. "Now, I don't have to listen to their nonsense. They just bury their noses in their phones. It's perfect."

Smart phones have made it easier for families to enjoy each other's company because it offers an alternative to forced personal communication.

"I don't want to talk to my parents any more than necessary," said Pri Teen. "Now I don't have to."

Who knows if technology will continue to improve family relations, but for right now, it sure does make family holidays and get-togethers a whole lot more tolerable.

Story by Lensy Shutters
Jumbo Seafood East Coast Park - Singapore

Lensy Shutters studies Mass Communications at Mooseville University and is interning with us.
 

Tampax announced today the launch of Nose Doze, a sleep aid scheduled to hit the shelves nationwide on April 1.

Nose Doze isn't a new product but rather a new application for tampons, just with different packaging.

"We found that if you stick our tampons in your nose it puts you right out," said Presley Agent, head of product development for Tampax. "It's really quite amazing."

Product developers discovered the new use while working late one night. They thought the technique would wake them up.

"We were out of coffee," Reese Searcher said. "It started as a joke."

After months of testing, Tampax realized the effects were no laughing matter.

"Every single participant in the study experienced the same result," Searcher verified.

Tampax is currently investigating other uses for tampons.

"We're not ruling anything out," Agent said. "We know they're excellent at stopping nose bleeds, but we want to find out what else they can do."

Nose Doze is nonaddictive and will be cheaper than Tampax Pearl.

"You don't need the applicator," Agent said. "Just shove it up there and start counting sheep."

Nose Doze will be sold alongside other sleep aids and will come in a range of sizes for noses both big and small.

Chiquita Brands International (NYSE: CQB) announced today the launch of the Peel, the first ever banana phone.

The Peel will offer limited text and web surfing capabilities, as well as have a smaller coverage area, but users willing to give the new service a try will feel the difference where it counts most, in their wallets.

The Peel will be available in three colors - green, yellow and brown - and come with a free protective skin and hanger for easy storage.

The Peel is scheduled to hit shelves in August, just in time for the school year, and will be available where bananas are sold.

Members of Pigeon Union Chapter 405 met at an empty lot on 40th Street between 10th & 11th in New York City on June 19. Issues on the agenda included grazing grounds overrun with dogs, establishing a well-defined pecking order, and changing the human perception that pigeons are just rats with wings.

Story by Lensy Shutters

Lensy Shutters studies Mass Communications at Mooseville University and is interning with us.